Apocalypse pompeii: the shittiest shit that someone has ever shat.

I'm sorry to say I'm back. My life has been pretty good so I haven't had anything to complain about, and while it still pretty good I have just seen the shittiest movie of all time, and I have seen the conqueror (you know, that shitty movie that gave every actor cancer because it was filmed near a nuclear wasteland). For now let's put aside the fact that they used the cg from c&c red alert 2 for the eruptions (I'm coming back to that) and concentrate on the story: There is some badass retired commando that goes to Italy for an interview in order to start his own security business, he goes with his family, a "smart" daughter who read about volcanoes since she was little and a leather-wearing, short-haired hot wife who decided to go see pompeii but then Vesuvius, the super volcano that swallowed a bunch of roman cities so long ago that if it wasn't for doctor who no one would give a damn, erupts fucking everything up and trapping the family of the badass in the pompeii ruins.  With a few hours before lava covers it all, the ex commando has to do anything he can to rescue them and a bunch of other tourists.

Simple enough right? However there are a few basic problems. Let's begin with the most simple one: the air.

The air:
When any volcano cums, the first thing that gets fucked up is the air. When a big volcano cums, the air gets fucked up for miles. In the eruption that ate the roman cities in the past, even those cities that didn't even get lava were visited by the ghost of ash and sulfur. In fact, when Vesuvius erupted the big time it killed a bunch of sheep because the air was so dirty they couldn't breathe, people too but fuck them, yet in the movie, even when rocks are bombarding pompeii the air is stupidly clean, in fact, even at the end when they are flying around in an helicopter (more on this later) and they decided to "darken" the sky, everything is spotless:

"The new moon is a good time to smuggle drugs" -Drug smuggler

When it should have looked more like the movie "The mist", everything white and dusty. Don't believe me? Look at this pictures from the eruption in Indonesia: http://www.smh.com.au/travel/travel-incidents/volcano-eruption-cancels-bali-phuket-flights-and-closes-indonesian-airports-20140214-32qd8.html This is how the move should look. However, I understand, it's a movie and you would have to pay someone to clean all that shit so this can be forgiven, but there is shit that no one can let go, for example the stupid plot.

The stupid plot: 
So this badass commando decides to rescue his family which starts with him getting an helicopters because the most believable policeman stops him from driving there:

"Back in your car or I will arrest you" -The super cop.

Look at this man, if they ever need an italian superstar he wouldn't be it, ever.

 But superman wouldn't stop to save louis lane, so mr badass decides to steal an helicopter to fly and rescue his family because no one would give one to him (fucking surprise). He manages to steal one in the stupidest plan ever and fly over there just for it to crash and in the end he had to be saved by the old fucker who called the team in the first place to help him, of which 2 died of course, just for it to almost crash because the air filters got clogged (everyone told you about the ash you fuckhead). Seriously, this badass hero is so useless I bet my breadfruit tree could save more people in the same situation. In the end who was the real hero?

"...and my axe"

The old fucker that instead is used as a plot pusher to explain things that make no sense. He puts the time limit, he explains the consequences, he predicts that no one would give the "hero" an helicopter, he called the team, he protected them all when they sent helicopters after them, he rescued them when everything failed and even survived being shot through the shoulder by the volcano which was enough to vaporized extras throughout the movie. The movie should be called "the best fucking friend in the world" instead of apocalypse pompeii. But not even Gimli can save a movie with shitty cg.

The shitty cg:
Remember back when I said the cg was taken from red alert 2? I wasn't kidding, look at the ash clouds from the movie:

"Wait, I feel like I have seen something like these before..." -me

Not nice at all, but you can't expect too much right? Except when you remember that you have seen those same clouds before, in a game that came like 14 years earlier:

As you can see, the ones in the game even have more depth by using simple darker colors.

This movie actually managed to get a time machine and turn back more than 10 years to get clouds, it would be amazing if it wasn't so shitty. They also vaporize people all the time leaving behind fake flames and even wasted like 3 minutes showing people being burned alive in situations that made no sense.

"A magic rock fell from the sky, set me on fire and disappeared" -this idiot

However, the worst part is that instead of adding bullshit cg to random things, they could've fixed the mistakes on the movie, like fucking foam everywhere:

Foam rocks that bounce on the floor and on his body and the great foam wall

Bam! Foam wall in two shots!

 

"Is that a foam wall? Fuck we are trapped!" - everyone in that room

 Or maybe to fix the painfully obvious things like:

Trapped by an inch of foam, they are lucky to escape from that death trap.

However, the worst worst part of it all is the way the soldier woman died:

After a few movies she will return as a sith lord.

But this is nothing, nothing at all, when you consider the worthless characters.

The worthless characters:
Remember when I said that the commando was a badass? I lied:

"I can't even carry shit for three floors without being a pussy about it" -A retired special ops marine

This fucking guy is so stupid he even manages to kill half his old team to save his interchangeable family, even the other survivor from the team gets shot in the leg while stealing the chopper.

Get to the choppah!

Which makes this hero the least useful hero on the world. Fucking idiot.

However at least he's married to a badass right?

Trinity? Is that you?

Nope. This useless tramp is not only so stupid she stumbles on nothing fucking up her leg:

Derp

She begins crying out of nowhere in an attempt to add emotion to a moment that isn't even sad. And worse, she looks like shes trying to shit a gigantic hard turd while doing so:

Almost....out!!

 

Seriously, wtf is with this woman? The worst part is when she decides to put her faith in her awesome husband who "does this for a living... he was a marine for godsakes". However That's nothing when you consider the smart daughter who not only can't be bothered to act at all, she even looks like one of those czech amateur pornstars. Its almost as disturbing as her name. I present to you "Mykaela":

This week on public agent...

Then when you start asking yourself how the fuck is this idiot an actress:

Which of these two became famous for their tits? Trick question, it was both.

Seriously, there are more bad tit shots in this movie than plot, its like they try to make a bad porno and got censored by a catholic nun. You get the bouncing tits inside a shirt and some useless plot that made no sense at all. You know life is hard when Gimli end up doing this shit. But at least he was the best character in the movie.

"I forgot I was shot in the leg with a military grade rifle" -that dude there

At least this shit movie might make people google about pompeii, after all the eruption that destroyed it inspired the Romans to fuck each other in the middle of the streets at any moment because the continuous tremors that followed for years reminded them that you could fucking day at any moment [source: Me].