Allow me to begin this post by giving you a warning: WARNING: I recognize that I'm writing this on the brink of despair. So instead of the usual insults and mocking of the human condition and what we call reasoning, I'm going to whine. I'm going to whine like a bitch because right now thats what I need the most. Now, I dont really care if someone wants to hear me whining, since I'm doing this for me in the most egoistical possible way. So go ahead and skip this one. It's not like I know something that you couldn't discover by yourself so don't worry, you aren't missing anything.
Now that that's over, I guess I should explain how I came to the brink of despair, since that's a good a point as any. It's not really because life is hard or some bullshit like that, but because my sleep pattern has been disrupted by anger. The type of anger that makes you wish to run away and join ISIS. Not because they are right, although they could be (how would I know if they are or aren't?), but because I really feel like I am losing my control of my "kill everybody" impulses, and little by little, slowly but surely, I have started to feel like I should simply let them free. See, my anger is a special kind of anger. While normally anger comes out of a sense of righteousness or some kind of disappointment, mine simply comes from the realization that good people don't exist. I've come to realize that what people believe and call right is backed in bullshit, and thus "good" becomes whatever the fuck you are and those who you hate aren't. Now, this realization doesn't give me anger by itself, I'm crazy but not that crazy, but instead is a nice little box in which a lot of things around me fit into, filling my little black box, that I call the "I hate people" box, which then drags me into anger, which when I try to control puts me in despair.
Lets take for example my neighborhood. It's a poor neighborhood so there is a lot of drug consumption and, of course, old people. Now, the thing about this shitty neighborhood is that between the old people and the drug addicts there is a huge split in which old people enjoy showing off their money and drug addicts enjoy not giving a fuck about their properties. Usually this doesn't concern me, since I'm not old but I'm not a drug addict either, but because I am neither I have come to see how both groups actually are in the same level of assholeness (woah, new word). The old people are the gossiping assholes, who judge the drug addicts, the other old people, the visitors, themselves and of course me, and the addicts are opportunistic, predatory beings that excuse their acts with the drugs after they are threatened.
I know this doesn't seem very equal, since both are annoying but only one could be considered dangerous, but the truth is that these acts can equally fucks someone's day, and both seems to allow them to feel their preferred kind of happiness. See, drug addicts cause, or at least try to cause, material damage, they try to enter properties, mug people, steal from stores, etc. and this things can certainly fuck up your day, for obvious reasons. But, while not as obvious, old people tend to end in property damage too, because their bullshit gossip and ideals, when shared, become like an open excuse for them to do whatever they want, without having to feel the guilt a rational being should feel when causing damage to others. In a way, the shit the old people say ends up becoming the drug that allows them to ignore the consequences of their acts, like the cocaine and heroin of the drug addicts. Without guilt one can really enjoy destroying the peace of others, and thus both old people and drug addicts are the same.
Now, since its not like I traveled the universe and met everyone this might seem like an exaggeration, but I really believe most people are like that, because I am like that too (although I recognize the guilt and effect of my acts to a point, I try not giving much of a fuck anyway), and a lot of people I know are like that. In fact, people I have known from many different countries are like that, be it with religion, science, ideology or by sheer ignorance, most people will simply fuck you over if they have the chance, then stop caring in like 10 minutes after they destroyed everything you let them. In fact, a lot of people will act like victims if you mention how they did something wrong, then act all hurt to make you seem like a bully. Now, you might ask "how does this drive you to anger, when its something you only have to ignore?" The answer to that is simple: I'm really really bad at ignoring bad stuff.
When I was little I caught a glimpse of these things, but in my young mind I simply accepted them like "things are what they are". As time passed, I began to recognize the hypocrisy of it all, the people saying "there are few of the good ones like us left" or criticizing people they dislike for stuff they had done themselves, but I simply accepted it because it was all I knew. See, the thing about teaching kids that something is right all their lives is that when they come to know something different, they are left unable to trust you again. Which is pretty bad if it happens when they are young, in the period between learning what they are taught and accepting it as absolute truth. I had the bad luck (or good, depending on the day) of catching a glimpse of someone different before I learned how to defend the ideals I was born and growing up into. The sad part is that it wasn't soon enough for me to accept that difference for myself, so I ended up kind of torn between the "I lie to myself because I'm an asshole but cant accept it" and the "I create a different path and don't have to lie to myself about what I am" paths, leaving me in what feels like the "I'm an asshole, but can't lie to myself about it" path, which is kinda crappy.
This is, I believe, the reason why I am always happy but never completely. See, I accept who I am, which gives me happiness, but because I see that its almost the same as everyone is, I don't feel special, which makes me less happy. I have tried to change, even tried to follow the path the different person I met took, but in the end it made me miserable so I concluded that my option was to simply hide, turn my back on people and rot by myself in the dark hole of my evilness. However, because people are assholes they took that as weakness. Instead of leaving me alone the old people began to gossip about me, then fuck with my property, then fuck with me, then used the fact that I told them to stop as more gossip to say how dangerous I was for their enjoyment, which gave them the excuse to keep messing with my property and acting like they were victims. The addicts saw the old vultures and thought I was weak, and began trying to harass me, which lead to my anger, which lead to more gossip and more addicts fucking around. See, people are assholes, and being assholes make them happy to the point where it only takes only one person trying not to be an asshole to make their year. The thing is, I also hid from that different person in the end because I could never be like her, and I'm quickly running out of reasons why I shouldn't be an asshole. Who knows, maybe my holding back wasn't even needed and this is just the asshole world telling me how much it misses me. On the bright side, the old people will get to be the victims they tell everyone they are, and the addicts will have another reason to get more drugs. I guess when you are normal, trying to be special is a mistake.
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