Apocalypse pompeii: the shittiest shit that someone has ever shat.

I'm sorry to say I'm back. My life has been pretty good so I haven't had anything to complain about, and while it still pretty good I have just seen the shittiest movie of all time, and I have seen the conqueror (you know, that shitty movie that gave every actor cancer because it was filmed near a nuclear wasteland). For now let's put aside the fact that they used the cg from c&c red alert 2 for the eruptions (I'm coming back to that) and concentrate on the story: There is some badass retired commando that goes to Italy for an interview in order to start his own security business, he goes with his family, a "smart" daughter who read about volcanoes since she was little and a leather-wearing, short-haired hot wife who decided to go see pompeii but then Vesuvius, the super volcano that swallowed a bunch of roman cities so long ago that if it wasn't for doctor who no one would give a damn, erupts fucking everything up and trapping the family of the badass in the pompeii ruins.  With a few hours before lava covers it all, the ex commando has to do anything he can to rescue them and a bunch of other tourists.

Simple enough right? However there are a few basic problems. Let's begin with the most simple one: the air.

The air:
When any volcano cums, the first thing that gets fucked up is the air. When a big volcano cums, the air gets fucked up for miles. In the eruption that ate the roman cities in the past, even those cities that didn't even get lava were visited by the ghost of ash and sulfur. In fact, when Vesuvius erupted the big time it killed a bunch of sheep because the air was so dirty they couldn't breathe, people too but fuck them, yet in the movie, even when rocks are bombarding pompeii the air is stupidly clean, in fact, even at the end when they are flying around in an helicopter (more on this later) and they decided to "darken" the sky, everything is spotless:

"The new moon is a good time to smuggle drugs" -Drug smuggler

When it should have looked more like the movie "The mist", everything white and dusty. Don't believe me? Look at this pictures from the eruption in Indonesia: http://www.smh.com.au/travel/travel-incidents/volcano-eruption-cancels-bali-phuket-flights-and-closes-indonesian-airports-20140214-32qd8.html This is how the move should look. However, I understand, it's a movie and you would have to pay someone to clean all that shit so this can be forgiven, but there is shit that no one can let go, for example the stupid plot.

The stupid plot: 
So this badass commando decides to rescue his family which starts with him getting an helicopters because the most believable policeman stops him from driving there:

"Back in your car or I will arrest you" -The super cop.

Look at this man, if they ever need an italian superstar he wouldn't be it, ever.

 But superman wouldn't stop to save louis lane, so mr badass decides to steal an helicopter to fly and rescue his family because no one would give one to him (fucking surprise). He manages to steal one in the stupidest plan ever and fly over there just for it to crash and in the end he had to be saved by the old fucker who called the team in the first place to help him, of which 2 died of course, just for it to almost crash because the air filters got clogged (everyone told you about the ash you fuckhead). Seriously, this badass hero is so useless I bet my breadfruit tree could save more people in the same situation. In the end who was the real hero?

"...and my axe"

The old fucker that instead is used as a plot pusher to explain things that make no sense. He puts the time limit, he explains the consequences, he predicts that no one would give the "hero" an helicopter, he called the team, he protected them all when they sent helicopters after them, he rescued them when everything failed and even survived being shot through the shoulder by the volcano which was enough to vaporized extras throughout the movie. The movie should be called "the best fucking friend in the world" instead of apocalypse pompeii. But not even Gimli can save a movie with shitty cg.

The shitty cg:
Remember back when I said the cg was taken from red alert 2? I wasn't kidding, look at the ash clouds from the movie:

"Wait, I feel like I have seen something like these before..." -me

Not nice at all, but you can't expect too much right? Except when you remember that you have seen those same clouds before, in a game that came like 14 years earlier:

As you can see, the ones in the game even have more depth by using simple darker colors.

This movie actually managed to get a time machine and turn back more than 10 years to get clouds, it would be amazing if it wasn't so shitty. They also vaporize people all the time leaving behind fake flames and even wasted like 3 minutes showing people being burned alive in situations that made no sense.

"A magic rock fell from the sky, set me on fire and disappeared" -this idiot

However, the worst part is that instead of adding bullshit cg to random things, they could've fixed the mistakes on the movie, like fucking foam everywhere:

Foam rocks that bounce on the floor and on his body and the great foam wall

Bam! Foam wall in two shots!

 

"Is that a foam wall? Fuck we are trapped!" - everyone in that room

 Or maybe to fix the painfully obvious things like:

Trapped by an inch of foam, they are lucky to escape from that death trap.

However, the worst worst part of it all is the way the soldier woman died:

After a few movies she will return as a sith lord.

But this is nothing, nothing at all, when you consider the worthless characters.

The worthless characters:
Remember when I said that the commando was a badass? I lied:

"I can't even carry shit for three floors without being a pussy about it" -A retired special ops marine

This fucking guy is so stupid he even manages to kill half his old team to save his interchangeable family, even the other survivor from the team gets shot in the leg while stealing the chopper.

Get to the choppah!

Which makes this hero the least useful hero on the world. Fucking idiot.

However at least he's married to a badass right?

Trinity? Is that you?

Nope. This useless tramp is not only so stupid she stumbles on nothing fucking up her leg:

Derp

She begins crying out of nowhere in an attempt to add emotion to a moment that isn't even sad. And worse, she looks like shes trying to shit a gigantic hard turd while doing so:

Almost....out!!

 

Seriously, wtf is with this woman? The worst part is when she decides to put her faith in her awesome husband who "does this for a living... he was a marine for godsakes". However That's nothing when you consider the smart daughter who not only can't be bothered to act at all, she even looks like one of those czech amateur pornstars. Its almost as disturbing as her name. I present to you "Mykaela":

This week on public agent...

Then when you start asking yourself how the fuck is this idiot an actress:

Which of these two became famous for their tits? Trick question, it was both.

Seriously, there are more bad tit shots in this movie than plot, its like they try to make a bad porno and got censored by a catholic nun. You get the bouncing tits inside a shirt and some useless plot that made no sense at all. You know life is hard when Gimli end up doing this shit. But at least he was the best character in the movie.

"I forgot I was shot in the leg with a military grade rifle" -that dude there

At least this shit movie might make people google about pompeii, after all the eruption that destroyed it inspired the Romans to fuck each other in the middle of the streets at any moment because the continuous tremors that followed for years reminded them that you could fucking day at any moment [source: Me].

how being wise doesn't mean being right.

Hello again you masochist pigs :). Today I found myself bored of hunting demons and offering marriage to ghosts so I decided to come here again and write some bullshit for your self-loathing existences. Today I will explain, in a confusing and long way, why being wise doesn't mean being right, and I will do it using my experiences from education. To do this I have to speak a little about myself which is my favorite thing to discuss since I'm great.

Let's begin with how I saw that others saw me during my education: I was a genius. I was so bright that teachers used me to confirm their choices. My mere presence in their classrooms caused them to concentrate on me, probably while repeating something like "he will save the future". I was so bright that other students were jealous of my perfection and some even dared to try bullying me, but the best part was that I am so perfect that I'm also strong and big, so the idiots didn't try for long. While I am exaggerating a little for the sake of storytelling, believe me when I say that I was the most intelligent being in the schools I attended, to the point that I could correct teachers when they were wrong (which was a lot of times). I even developed new ways of teaching that helped those that asked for my help, giving me power over students and equal standing among most teachers.

You might notice that I'm using past tense, but that's not because I finished my education, nor because I'm not intelligent anymore. I simply discovered that the ability to remember and repeat isn't that great, and while it made me "intelligent" during my education and gave me awesome conversation skills, the truth is that being able to repeat whatever shit someone else tells you doesn't make that shit anymore true than if you were to say whatever you want. A good example of this would be what happens in a literature or language class. Let's say, for example, you are reading about a panda with diarrhea. On the test they will ask you: "what happened to the panda?" and you will answer: "he shat all over the place". The teacher will read that and mark you as correct, so you will get a good grade. However, the truth is that the panda and the shit didn't exist, which would make the real answer: "nothing, because it never happened". But if you wrote that, you will get it marked as wrong, making formal education about memory, not being right or knowing the truth.

Now, you might ask yourself "what does that have to do with being wise?", and the answer to that simple question is "everything". If you see "wise" as a title that others apply to you, you will see that all you need to do to earn it is repeat whatever the fuck they believe is truth and, since people will literally believe anything they want, being wise is about knowing which people believe which lie. If you want to confirm this for yourselves (as you should with everything you care enough about you lazy idiots) go into a forum about conspiracy theories, copy whatever the fuck they are saying, google that same things while changing some words and copy paste what you find using that as reference, then do the same on a christian forum, then on a political forum, etc. In a few days you will have a lot of people believing that you are wise and informed. One time like 5 year ago I was so bored on thanksgiving I did that for a week, I still get emails from people asking me shit because they think I have some hidden truth about some random idiocy.

How to use torrents and get stuff

There comes a time in the life of humans in which they grow tired of whining, and while my first purpose of this blog was to bitch about random stuff that didn't really bother me at all, I find myself bored of it enough to stop me from writing at all. So for now, until I get bored of this too, I will try to share my random knowledge of crap so that others can do stuff they might not know how to do. While this might sound honorable and you might feel inclined to think more of me, the truth is that the only knowledge I possess, beyond the usual stuff like how to chew food or how to take a bath, is stuff you can use to break the law or do "evil" things, although in the end knowledge is just knowledge and thus you can learn what I teach without doing anything "wrong". So, to begin I decided to teach you how to tap into the internet in the way that has survived the copyright apocalypse: torrents.

Now, before beginning your pursuit of the world of downloading crap you won't need to survive in the jungle I should say some stupid disclaimer like "do this to download legally" or "don't download pirated stuff". But the truth of this world is that the one who doesn't pay taxes become rich, the liar becomes adored and the one who uses others as tools or shields becomes powerful, so it would be hypocritical of me to tell you what to do with what you learn. In the end just remember the only truth that you need in life: you have free will so do what you want, but you should be prepared to carry the consequences of your choices. If something goes wrong no one will come to save you, and even when you might manage to throw someone else under the shit storm and save yourself, you won't be able to blame anyone else if that person decides to kill your family and leave you crippled so that you can only remember what you lost for the rest of your miserable life. With that said, lets begin explaining how to tap into what the hopeful call the collective human knowledge and what others call the new Sodom and Gomorrah.

To begin I should explain some of the basic terminology of the torrent users. Leeching is downloading from others, seeding is allowing others to download what you have, ratio is the numeric difference between the two and, naturally, a leecher is someone who "hits and run" files (downloading without uploading later). Now, if you really cared about everything else I could tell you what torrents are and how it works, but you can google everything these days so if you want to learn specifics google that. Let's skip toward the real question of today: "how do I get things?" First you need 2 things: a program that allows you to download the shit and the page from which you can get torrent files to find what you want. I personally use utorrent, which is what I will be using for this "tutorial", so if you know nothing about torrenting try that one. You can get it for free at http://www.utorrent.com/  (I'm using adfly to cover from being listed under traffic source, if you don't know how adfly works, just wait around 5 seconds and then click "skip ad" on the top rightmost side of the page and it will send you to the utorrent page, if that bothers you, feel free to copy/paste the link as I wrote it).

After you have downloaded and installed utorrent you need to test it. To download a file you need a torrent, which for the purpose of this basic tutorial is the list of crap you are getting and the places from which you are getting them so that the program can download them. I usually use www.torrentz.eu (adfly link too, remember to click on skip ad on the top). Torrenz is a search engine that looks in some of the most used list pages (pages that offer .torrent files) so that you can search for the thing only once. Since from now on it would be easier to see, I will use some screenshots:

 

This is the main page

 When you enter torrentz page you will see that page, you search whatever you want and it gives you this:

The red arrow is simply ads, ignore those. The green arrow shows the results from what you searched (I searched abandonware because it's not nice to incriminate myself) The green square with the 14 means the seeds (people who has completely downloaded the file and are uploading it) and the blue square with the 2 are the leechs (people downloading it currently). Another thing to notice is the green rectangle with the check mark next to my green arrow, that rectangle means the torrent is verified by users (voted as legitimate) and the number next to it is the quantity of users that voted it as real against the users that voted it as not. That green one next to the 52 jeux pc... means that there are 2 votes as real more than votes as fake. If the square was red it means more people voted it as fake (either it doesn't have what it says, it has a virus or it's corrupted). I would recommend you avoid the red ones but, you know, free will and all that. After you choose the torrent you want, you can click on it for the specifics. It will look like this:

The red square in this picture are the pages from which you can get the .torrent files, the green one is the difference in down/up votes and the trackers show the number of seed and leechs. Underneath that you get the list of files that the .torrent contains and underneath that is the comment space. It's useful to read the files you are downloading (just in case) and the comments (if something goes wrong people will complain about it). In any case, from this page you choose from where you will download the .torrent, which in time you will choose your own lists of preferred ones. Oh, remember to ignore the "download direct" one, thats an ad. For the purpose of this guide I chose thepiratebay.sx (which is one of the most common ones since they are famous for making the news a lot of times in the past for surviving the copyright witch hunts (google it if you want to, it's kind of funny). After clicking on thepiratebay you will see this:

Ignore evertything that is red. To get the torrent you will need to click on the "get this torrent" that I boxed in green. The white square under that is the torrent description (usually tells you more about what you are getting or shows you screenshots) and underneath that its user comments, if you read these you can get a preview of what you are getting. In any case, when you click on get this torrent you will open a magnet link, which will open utorrent (you installed it earlier right?) and ask you where do you want to save your new found crap. You will see it like this:

The blue arrow is where you will see what you are downloading(uploading) The red arrow points where you will get the details of what you are downloading if you click on it, and the green arrow is the connectivity status. If after some minutes you don't see the green circle (ignore the facebook and twitter ones) you have to open some ports in your connection, which can be done by clicking on it (it will be a yellow triangle I think) and following the instructions from the page it will send you. Now, I will end this guide here, because I think it would be nice for people to explore on their own and learn for themselves the rest, but if you enough of you have problems with anything in here I will be happy to make another post with more pictures to help with anything else (including opening ports) or giving specific trivia about stuff so that you can show off to others.  In any case, good luck downloading crap and living your life as you can.

how I have a faster internet but even less to do.

Yesterday I made honey bread to eat, because I was bored it tastes good. I managed to learn how to make soft bread by turning off the oven earlier, and made a mental list of things I have to do. Today is different, I'm bored out of my mind because I have nothing else to do, which means I start reliving my past of war, destruction and drama. It's quite entertaining, at least until you go hungry, which means it releases me of the chains of boredom but that's when you learn that being "talented" is bad for you. The last time I paid for something that I couldn't eat or wasn't a raw material to make something else was back when I had enough humanity to have a girlfriend I cared about. It's not because I'm cheap, although maybe I am who knows?, but because every time I go outside to a store or whatever, and I see some random crap it either falls on the "if I needed this I could make it" category or the "who would want this shit?" category.

I don't see myself as someone who knows everything, but for someone who was born without a fixed destiny the lack of having to do stuff allowed me to do a lot of random things. After doing something enough times you learn how to do it "better", which means you learn a talent, which can be later applied to something else. With enough of these, you end up being someone who make anything, since there are only a few changes between making things. Which then lead to the depths of boredom, and then to the inevitable state of not wanting to do anything. Of course, to avoid this I decided to upgrade my internet speed, which then lead to the awkward realization I don't have anything to do with the extra speed. Of course, I could download more crap, but we are in the lowest season of crap making: tv shows are between seasons, gaming companies are waiting to release games, movies are boring and my favorite pornstars are retiring.

Nothing to do except things I could do without thinking, which wouldn't relieve me of the feeling that my brain is rotting from the inside, while worms are crawling out my ears and eyes. The funny part is that I could probably do a lot of things, but I'm stuck on that weird phase in which I can't summon the willpower needed to try those things at all. Maybe I should do voluntary work, try to increase my work experience in case I have to end up slaving away my future for paper dyed green and printed with faces of dead people I should respect or something. Maybe tomorrow, for today I'm gonna lay here sighting until I get enough strength to make something I don't need with things I don't want.

How everyone is a fucking liar but they all love making other believe their lies.

I have a simple philosophy in life: I don't care about a lot of things. The level of my uncaring ways is so deep that when someone tries to show they care about something I doubt them. The reason I doubt them isn't that I think everyone is a liar, although I do believe that, but simply because most of the things people "care" about are illogical things for anyone, except a selected few, to care at all. Lets use some real "tragedies" as examples. Some towers went down in USA, some kids are shooting other kids on schools, an earthquake made Japan a mess, a tsunami drowned some Thais, and everyone I knew at the time (I stopped talking to the idiots after that) tried to act all worried or empathetic because people died on those event. But I say it was all bullshit for one simple reason: How could a person who doesn't give a fuck about the people going hungry in his own country care about dead people from other places?

Now, when I was in the hell that others called university I asked this very same question, and some idiots tried to make me believe that it was about numbers. "If a lot of people die we should care", but how many is a lot? Is there a fixed number of people where I should care? If 100 people go hungry in my country or get killed by drug dealers I should ignore it, but if 101 people die from a fire I should cry and pray for them? In any case people just want to be part of a group, even if its the group of idiots who fake feelings, so I can live with that. What I can't accept is that those same idiots try to make other join their little cults of idiocy when one doesn't share their fake ideas.

In that example, if someone sees you ignoring their show of hypocrisy or ask you and you say you don't give a fuck, they quickly make it a mission to tell you how wrong you are, and when that fails they try to use peer pressure to ask for help from others who don't really give a fuck either.  In the end people try to convince you that you are a monster because you dared to speak your mind, while they had to act all worried and sad. Repeat this in the millions of lies people tell themselves and others and you end up being a monster for everyone, which at the end is kind of nice because everyone leaves you alone if you don't crack into pressure and begin lying with them. However, this peaceful moment is brief, since being alone brings around you another kind of lying people, people who think that being alone is bad for you and they try to "help" you from it. Telling you how great life is and how wonderful and enjoyable lying feels, which in turn bring the same issues again, which lead to the same arguments and eventually another brief period of peace from the constant pestering. I call this: "the circle of bullshit".

Now, in this circle of bullshit there are people more annoying that others that act all hurt and betrayed when you keep not caring about stuff because in their mission of not accepting who you are, you not changing shows what a bad person you are. It's a stupid manipulation to make people that are afraid of being considered evil change like others. Since I don't care about being good I still don't care about a lot of things, but I have found a lot of these idiots, and I hated them all. In fact, I think it's because of them that I am now an emotional sadist who enjoys the suffering of others. The idiots trying to make me act "good" made me become more "evil" which I find funny. Of course, in the end I ended up with the constant desire to destroy others, which is kinda hard to calm, but now I am so scary people tend to avoid me, which means I got peace. That's how I came to understand the possible side of the peace dream: you can get peace when everyone leaves you alone.

How I laugh like a madman and scared a little child.

Welcome to the velvet room. If you get that reference, you are awesome and should be proud of your knowledge of random, useless things. I'm pretty sure that you are here for the first time, since no one would return to read the crap I write, so at least I wanted to receive you warmly before creeping you off. Today I will be talking about two things that happen a lot in my life, but usually not together. To start I guess I should tell you how I sometimes scare the crap out of people just by passing near them. I don't think its about being dangerous or powerful, I just think of myself as an evil overlord and it shows in the way I move and act. Or maybe I just gross them out, but in the end it doesn't really matter what people think when they see me they just avoid me and move out of the way when I pass, which feels pretty good. With this in mind I want to tell you what happened today.

Today I went to the supermarket to buy ingredients for my culinary experiments. I call my cooking that because I see myself as a mad scientist not as a chef, even though it's usually not bad. I usually go to the supermarket early because the one I go to is near my old school and I'm not fond of the stink of hypocrisy I get when I meet with someone who went to the same school and they try to act friendly or speak to me of things that happened so many years ago no one should even care about them. The way I see it is: if I haven't tried to contact you in years it means you are not important to me, thus meeting you and being greeted by some fake smile or the horrible, horrible awkward hug is more of a punishment than anything enjoyable. In any case, I went today to the supermarket and I was early but for some reason there were more people than usual. Maybe someone died and there was one of those stupid daytime funerals or something equally illogical. I decided to buy my groceries anyway since I was already there and I didn't want to collect more hobo's blood to power my flamemobile again.

After getting a few things I decided to look at the meats and saw one of those huge packages of ground beef that had it's price reduced. It was 5 pounds of "meat" and it was reduced to 6 dollars. I know they do that when it's old as fuck, but having an empire to fund I cannot pass opportunities like that. In any case meat hardly ever last me more than a week so I wouldn't die from it getting spoiled. I was so happy when I saw it I began to laugh out loud, which is pretty strange because I usually laugh silently because I see myself as a ninja. However, in the middle of my laugh I noticed the presence of another human being looking at me so I turned violently, ready to fight for my evil empire and saw a little boy looking at me about to cry for a second before he ran away like he had seen the devil. My laugh is so evil I scared the crap out of a little boy. I must admit, it felt pretty good because in my mind I am an evil mad scientist overlord ninja, and scaring people is what an evil mad scientist overlord ninja should do. In fact, I felt so proud of myself I was still smiling when I reached the cashier which made her hesitate before greeting me.

So that's my random story of the day. How I laughed and scared a little boy, and because of that a cashier saw through my disguise of normality and sanity. But it made me happy, which is the only important thing.

The enjoyment, fulfillment and pure bliss of a good shit in someone else's toilet.

If you are a returnee that reads what I write hello again my masochist friend, if you are reading me for the first time, I apologize for what you are about to read. This weekend I was staying in an hotel and I prepared myself to conquer the last frontier: the toilet. During the week before leaving I used all of my will power and mental abilities to prepare myself for one thing only: leaving behind the biggest shit I have ever defecated in all my years of shitting. It wasn't a thing of being gross, it wasn't to make someone miserable nor to ruin someone's day. It was about pride, pride in my abilities to create, out of food, a testament to my week long gluttony. A trophy that would stand tall over the fake rules of etiquette and human behavior, that would show the universe that I, with my average lifestyle and my average diet, could create a natural wonder without even moving my hands. And I did it, I really did it.

It all began the Monday in which I learned that I was staying in an hotel. I realized I have made a lot of things in my life for which I have been acclaimed, respected, adored or congratulated. But no one, ever, has seen one of my turds and said anything beyond "oh". So on that day I decided to stop myself from shitting while still eating things normally. On Monday I ate like I normally would, eating homemade bread and homemade pasta with chicken and tomato sauce. Everything was normal, but it was only the first day.

Tuesday and Wednesday began with my body giving me the warning "dude, you are fucking full of shit" but I ignored those signals like a tired parent ignores his/her asshole kids. On Thursday, my body was tired of my rebellion. I woke up at night, sweating like a madman, stomach full of shit and afraid to even walk. My body knew it had me beat, and tried to force me to shit right there, but I couldn't betray my dreams of the biggest shit, so I begged, forced my asshole shut and breathed slowly and deeply. I could hear the chorus of angels, giving me strength to follow my dream. I wasn't only an idiot not shitting, I had a purpose. It wasn't something I could try some other time, it was my calling, my destiny to do it this week, and my body complied, leaving behind a condition: you will let it flow freely when it's time. I accepted.

On Friday I ate a little less since I wasn't even hungry. My body kept it's word and I didn't had to use too much willpower to keep it inside. I thought I was safe now and I could hold on until today easily. I was wrong. Saturday came by and I left for the hotel. On the road my stomach decided to betray our verbal contract forcing me to shit in the car, I had to concentrate on my dream in order to hold it back, but by the time we arrived on the hotel I could hardly walk. The shit was coming early, whether I wanted it or not. However my family wanted to go to the pool and asked me to join them, I eventually complied, still unsure if I was gonna shit all over the pool like that viral video. However, when I went in the pressure of the shitstorm subsided, I don't know if it was the cold, the difference in weight or the magical powers of water, pee and chlorine, but it calmed my desire and the new found knowledge made Sunday an easy day. On that night, in order to avoid any problem emptying myself I drank a lot of water and ate a breadfruit, which has a lot of fiber. I was on the last steps toward my hope and last desire.

So, today came, the contracted day of the prophecy. I woke up from the pressure at 5 am. I tried to stand but I was heavier than usual, so I had to roll out of bed. My belly was hard as iron but my body had decided to wait. I was free to walk on my own pace toward the toilet. It was my day, my body knew I had won and trying to force me now was useless. Today was the day, and the stars were aligned. I walked slowly toward the bathroom, my head held high with pride, my steps calm and true. Today was the day I couldn't be beat, I couldn't be stopped. The door of the bathroom opened with no resistance at all, and I could swear it bowed before me a little, the toilet was inviting, receiving my presence with the reverence of a god. I took off my pants completely, I knew they would get in the way, sat down and gave myself a small pat on my belly as a way of saying "it is time". Not even 10 seconds had pass when I felt the confirmation that the message was received. At first it felt like a tsunami, to the point that I felt almost enough fear to make me try to stop what was coming, but I calmed myself because today was my day. I let it loose, and like if it was floodgates opening, shit exploded out of me without stopping like the words of a politician that doesn't know the answer to an important question. At first hard, with the force of cannon fire hitting with righteous fury the water that dared to stop it, then soft, with the gentleness of thrown mud, sliding into the welcoming arms of the now soiled water, and lastly watery and interrupted by farts like thunder in a storm. I was tired, the whole thing lasted less than 10 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. I could feel the emptiness left behind in the once occupied space, my legs were numb and I was sweating. I was freed from the burden I had chosen to carry for a week, and while I was too tired to check how it looked, I found the acceptance in the fact that at least I did my best.

After resting for some minutes I cleaned my ass from the residues of my creation and decided to stand up. I was still tired, and I even felt a little dizzy when I stood up, but after I looked back I saw my masterpiece confirming that my body didn't disappoint me. My shit stood tall over the water, like mountains that escaped from the sea, one of it peaks could be seen over the toilet rim. I was so proud I wanted to take pictures of it, but I stopped myself. It was my creation and spectacle. Something I did for myself to see. To show it to others would cheapen my achievement, and thus, still looking at it directly, I flushed it. To my surprise and pride, it didn't flushed completely in one time, nor in two. It took me three flushes for it to go down the tubes into oblivion. Leaving behind only the majestic memory burned in my brain about the time I shat enough shit to make it go above the bowl, and looking back at the uncomfortable times I can say, without doubt, that holding back my shit for a week was worth everything I experienced.